I Forget Because It Hurts

I forget he is 5 and has been through more in his little life than I have in my 42 years.

We were asked to bring baby pictures to his daycare for a project they are working on.

It opened a wound.

A wound that likely won't heal.

A wound for us and in time a wound for him.

He is 5 but he has only been with for 3 years.

I forget we missed his babyhood some times.

Actually, I think I put it out of my mind on purpose.

We didn't get to snuggle and cuddle him late at night when he was scared.

He didn't have us there when he was sick with pneumonia to hold his little hand when he was in the hospital.

I see people with their babies and there is still a piece of my heart that aches and breaks for the days we missed together.

I forget how much he still struggles with what has happened to him at times. I know it is there underneath the tough exterior puts he up.  He still wants to be a baby. He coos and asks to be wrapped up like a baby after baths.

I forget when I am yelling at him to get dressed, brush his teeth, and eat his breakfast that beneath it all he just wants to be around us to make up for the lost time.

Opening the baby photo file on my computer is like ever-so-slowly pulling off a bandage that has been sealed tight for 3 years. Shots of him smiling and laughing taken by people we met on an online adoption forum who were our  life line to our new little man.  Strangers who became friends because of heartbreaking commonalities we wish we didn't share.

Every time we received photos or a little video clip we viewed them with tears in our eyes wishing for the day he would be with us.

Photos were supposed to be in last week but I procrastinated until yesterday a verbal reminder was given when I picked him up at home time.  I explained we had photos from the orphanage and would bring them right away.  My mind blocked it again until the email reminder came through to please have them in for next week.

With a big exhale in and out I went looking for a photo and the tears came again.  I am thankful we had people who so generously took time from seeing their little ones to spend a moment with wee man.  I am grateful he will have a few precious photos from when he was a baby.

I still wish we had those moments with him in person though.  It still makes my heart hurt when I look at those pictures and think of all we missed.

Pay It Forward Friday

Remember last week was "High Five Friday" - I gave out about 40 high fives that day!

Even to strangers and it was so fun to see peoples' faces light up when I did it. A few folks probably thought "Who is this crazy lady?" but it was worth it!

So, Day 20 on the Acts of Kindness Advent Calendar is:

PAY IT FORWARD FRIDAY!!

I. LOVE. IT.

I have done this before just randomly and it is so much  fun - like I said in a previous post I think it is because sometimes the people don't even know who paid it forward! 

Here's what you need to do:

"It’s Friday again and after a long week, I’m ready for a little fun! How about you?

Today, we’re going to pay it forward and maybe even start a chain reaction of good deeds. We all have someone in the past to whom we owe a debt of gratitude, but never managed to thank. Rather than paying them back, I want you to pay if forward to someone else.

Here’s an example of how to do it: When you’re getting your morning coffee, tell the barista (or drive-through attendant) that in addition to buying your own coffee, you’d like to perform an act of kindness and pay for next the person behind you. The recipient will feel lucky and here's the beauty of it, the barista will likely feel lucky to be involved too.

If you’re a shy bear like me, you can pay it forward anonymously."

Now go forth and pay it forward people!!

I declare it must be so.

Also please make sure you tell me about it this time.

Hearing all the different ways of paying it forward is inspiring!

I've Been Swept Off My Feet

I haven't felt this way in quite some time.

A new love interest has my heart racing, pounding out of my chest almost....

I get antsy and excited whenever he is around.

He is quite tall in stature. I'd say about 14 hands high.

His legs are long, lean and strong. His torso is full and extremely capable of holding me close.

I love to run my hands through his wavy, blond mane and I dare say he quite enjoys it as well.

And his eyes, oh my, his eyes, they are a melt-your-heart-chocolate-brown color and I could get lost in them forever.

He is never afraid to look me directly in the eyes and let me know what he is thinking either.

Sigh....

We have been meeting once a week. It's never enough.

After I have spent time with him I feel so relaxed, at peace, happy, and grounded.

When I'm not with him, I dream of when I will see him again.

Sadly, I don't think I am the only the love of his life. 

I see how the other ladies look at him when we are together.

In fact, they are so bold as tell me how beautiful they think he is.

When I am not around they probably ask if they can spend some time with him too and ever the gentleman I'm sure he says yes.

It behooves me to share him, to push my selfishness aside, to bite my tongue instead of spewing forth my jealous thoughts.

He is so kind and gentle yet strong and steadfast all at the same time.

Being the strong, silent type he doesn't say much.

Sometimes he tells me with a nicker in my ear what he is thinking....

...other times he is bolder and lets out a neigh or a snort.

He carries me around on his back - I feel like a young girl again.

He makes me feel strong, confident, in charge....I think he likes it this way.

I like to rub and kiss his soft, brown, furry nose when we are just standing looking at each other.

Who is this gentle giant that has stolen my heart you ask?

His name is Henry which means "home ruler" and it suits him well.

He had me at "Woah!"

P.S. He is not mine - I just get to borrow him....I am honored and blessed to be able to spend time with him week after week.

High Five Friday!

My "Acts of Kindness Advent Calendar" tells me it is "High Five Friday" so I'm going all out today.

If you are lucky enough to see me in person, watch out I'm going to high five you!!

So be ready for it!!!

I am loving  participating in acts of kindness. I haven't been posting about it everyday because life is busy but I have been doing them.

Want to get in on "High Five Friday"?

All you have to do is read this:

Today, we are going to explore the most universal gesture of celebration, appreciation, camaraderie, and cooperation. The High Five!

Lifting your hand to shoulder height and slapping the hand of another person is a simple yet powerful action because it literally connects people both physically and emotionally. Here are a few examples of high five micro-moments of connection.
* What do you do when you make the perfect guess during a wild game of charades? High five.
* When your favourite team scores a big goal? High five.
* When you secure a new client? High five.
* When you tell your life coach about achieving your latest goal? High five.
* When a one-year old walks for the first time? High five.
How about when you meet someone for the first time and a hug feels outside of your comfort zone? I think you’ve guessed the answer by now.

Your good deed for today is simple. Venture forth and engage at least one person in a celebratory high five. If you really want to get into a festive mood, give out high fives all day. I challenge you to give out 25. I challenge you to make a video of it and share it on YouTube.
I am already at 5 for the day and those are just people I know.

I can't wait to "High Five Friday" some random strangers and if you know me you know I will do it!!

High five away my friends.

P.S. I originally asked my husband to be in the high five photo but apparently he is a "High Five Grinch" so the lovely Kristina, my friend and co-worker, took the high five in style!

Act of Kindness Day 7

Today's Act of Kindness is "Write A Kind Rhyme".

"Your good deed is to write a mini poem expressing gratitude to someone (or to a group of people) you love."

There is a very special group of people I am going to write my mini poem about.  I see them almost every day and only for an hour but they have made a huge impact on my life and so I thought I would tell them I love them in rhyme!!

Please bare with me here...I am not a poet and I know it!

There once was a group named the Buttercups,
who proudly decreed "suck it up".
Ronda, Jojo, Derek, Rana, Yvan, Joe, Phil, Rochelle, Corrinne and Randy,
at all things Crossfit they were quite handy.
They like to do "Fran",
as fast as Matt Chan.
Without them at noon,
I would sing a sad, sad tune,
So I wrote them this poem,
to tell them I love 'em!

Hummmmm, ya,  it's the thought that counts right!

Thanks to my Buttercups for being there to cheer me on whenever I need it!!

"AoK"

Nope, I didn't have a brain fart and misspell the title of the my post.

I know it's late but I didn't see this very cool and fun adventure until just now.

Thank goodness for Facebook or I wouldn't have seen it all!! 

Now, the late part refers to the fact this little "AoK" awesomeness started December 1st and it is already December 6th but I am jumping on the kindness wagon anyways.

What am I talking about?

Why it's the "Acts of Kindness Advent Calendar" of course or "AoK"

You can go here and read all the details. Then you should sign up just like I did.

I'll wait while you go read, sign up, receive your confirmation and have a look at your first task.....


...........................................................................................Oh good!! You're finally back!

If you are like me, sometimes not so tech savvy or can't see the thing you are looking for even if it is right in front of you,  you go to "The Acts of Kindness Advent" calendar and click on today's date. A little Internet magic will happen and a new page will load where it will tell you the day's "Aok". It will also give you suggestions of what you can do for acts of kindness.  If for some reason you can't think of your own that is.

I. Love. It.

In the past, I have purchased coffee for someone behind me in the drive-thru line up at Tim Horton's few times. It just feel so fun doing random things for people and they don't know who it was. The anonymity of it excites me I guess. These have been few and far between and I need to do more acts of kindness. 

We all need to do more acts of kindness. Yup, I said it! WE ALL NEED TO DO MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS!! There seems to be a growing trend to acting more kind these and it is a good, good, very good thing.  "Giving Tuesday" and "Random Acts of Kindness Day" are examples from just the past month.

 We can all get caught up in our own little world so easily.   Facebook, Twitter and Instagram don't help because you can see what people are up to without even having to make an effort any more.  Want to know how life is going for a friend, scroll through your news feed and you will find status updates telling you what they are doing at any given point of the day. I am a big 'Facebook addict' so I know this to be true even of myself.  Have the kids done anything cute lately, what kind of 'selfie' has your BFF posted lately, well head over to Instagram and you will find out.

 Phone calls have become almost obsolete. At least in our house they seem to be almost extinct and I don't count the calls where you answer the phone and you hear the horn of the cruise ship followed by the sound of some lovely lady's voice telling you about the fantastic trip you have won if you will press 1 and hold for the next available operator. 

Nope.  It's time to connect and looking back over the "AoKs" from the first few days it seems to be about connecting.  Taking time to acknowledge a loved one and spread some kindness and love. 

I like it. I like it a lot!

And hey, I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

So, if you ignored me early when I told you to go sign up now is the time to go and do it! I'll post daily what I've done and if you like you can post in the comments section what you have done, or on Facebook or better yet...tell me in person the next time you see me!

Whew, This Blog Is Dusty!

Actually, I couldn't see it for all the dusty bunnies happily bouncing around until I so rudely interrupted their play time.

Truth of the matter is I have had neither the time nor the inclination to blog.  I made the transition to being back in the office full time about 8 months ago (prior to this I was working part-time from home) and it really put a kink in my writing life.  Not to mention a typical day starts at 6:30 a.m. after being woken from my deep slumber by the soft whisper of my almost-5- year-old cheerily greeting us from his bedroom across the hall "MOMMA IS IT TIME TO GET UP YET!!!!!" Notice this is not a question, no, it is emphatically stated with lots of exclamation points behind it.

Doing all the things in a day when working full time like getting dressed, wearing clothes that match, having mascara on both eyes and eating any food of any kind, getting to the gym, managing to accomplish something at work other than reading emails, I mean like actual grown-up work where you make responsible decisions which could positively influence the nature of your business (lord you hope in your lack-of-sleep-induced-haze you made positive decisions and didn't somehow manage to order the air conditioner placed on the roof instead of on the side of the house where it should go), picking up above almost-5-year-old from daycare at the end of the day who is still at the exact same energy level he was at when he bounded like "tigger" out of bed at 6:30 in the friggin' morning - I mean come on couldn't he be a little tired - get him to eat any kind of food besides yogurt and bananas, wrestle him into the tub, pajamas, get him to sit and not bounce while you read him a story and then off to actual dreamland...ya, doing all those things in a day makes a person just want to flop on the couch and not move for an eternity.

And once you managed to get the almost-5-year-old into bed you realize you haven't said an intelligible word to your husband all day because conversation in the morning or in the evening consists of "Wee Man please eat your food!" Wee Man please get dressed!" or "Wee Man do you have your coats and boots on yet?" "Teeth Brushed?" Pajamas on?" on repeat as you go about getting ready in the morning, try to leave the house, eat any meal or get him ready for bed.

So, you spend some time with your spouse, while you are lying on the couch exhausted from trying to do all the things in a day and round about 9 pm you realize you better get to bed soon because you have to do it all over again the next day!!

Something had to give and it seemed it was blogging. Well, blogging, proper eating habits, general tidiness around the house, laundry etc. but who's keeping track.

 However, I always enjoyed it because it was fun, an excellent therapeutic outlet for me, and a good way to exercise my creative brain.  Would you believe I have even had a few people ask why I am not blogging anymore? Seems they liked my blog (why thank you very much) and would read my posts if I wrote again.

 In the past, I believe I have made reference to my writing  as a 'vomiting' of emotions onto my keyboard.  Even if no one reads my blog again, I feel the need to do some emotional vomiting on to my keyboards so this me getting back to it!!