Friday, February 21, 2014

I Forget Because It Hurts

I forget he is 5 and has been through more in his little life than I have in my 42 years.

We were asked to bring baby pictures to his daycare for a project they are working on.

It opened a wound.

A wound that likely won't heal.

A wound for us and in time a wound for him.

He is 5 but he has only been with for 3 years.

I forget we missed his babyhood some times.

Actually, I think I put it out of my mind on purpose.

We didn't get to snuggle and cuddle him late at night when he was scared.

He didn't have us there when he was sick with pneumonia to hold his little hand when he was in the hospital.

I see people with their babies and there is still a piece of my heart that aches and breaks for the days we missed together.

I forget how much he still struggles with what has happened to him at times. I know it is there underneath the tough exterior puts he up.  He still wants to be a baby. He coos and asks to be wrapped up like a baby after baths.

I forget when I am yelling at him to get dressed, brush his teeth, and eat his breakfast that beneath it all he just wants to be around us to make up for the lost time.

Opening the baby photo file on my computer is like ever-so-slowly pulling off a bandage that has been sealed tight for 3 years. Shots of him smiling and laughing taken by people we met on an online adoption forum who were our  life line to our new little man.  Strangers who became friends because of heartbreaking commonalities we wish we didn't share.

Every time we received photos or a little video clip we viewed them with tears in our eyes wishing for the day he would be with us.

Photos were supposed to be in last week but I procrastinated until yesterday a verbal reminder was given when I picked him up at home time.  I explained we had photos from the orphanage and would bring them right away.  My mind blocked it again until the email reminder came through to please have them in for next week.

With a big exhale in and out I went looking for a photo and the tears came again.  I am thankful we had people who so generously took time from seeing their little ones to spend a moment with wee man.  I am grateful he will have a few precious photos from when he was a baby.

I still wish we had those moments with him in person though.  It still makes my heart hurt when I look at those pictures and think of all we missed.